


Memories of Cocoa

by goodwineandcheese



Category: Monster
Genre: Domesticity, Gen, Grimmer and Tenma supporting each other, Happier AU, Mild Angst, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-01-23 16:24:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21323146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodwineandcheese/pseuds/goodwineandcheese
Summary: Tenma and Grimmer are both finally cleared of charges and free to live as they please. They catch up with Lunge over drinks, and learn something disturbing about the man he fought in Ruehenheim.
Relationships: Wolfgang Grimmer/Tenma Kenzou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Memories of Cocoa

**Author's Note:**

> This plot bunny has been sitting in my wips for way too long and I needed to get it out of the way finally so here it is. Just a sad little comfort piece because I love my sadness and comfort. No TWs really for this one.

Tenma still couldn’t believe it was over. All of it, finally behind them...and with Lunge’s help, with Verdemann’s help, both himself and Grimmer had been cleared of their respective charges. 

It had been a bit of a media circus, but he was glad to escape the bright lights and flashing cameras. Verdemann had managed to wrap things up quickly enough, though any thanks were sadly brief; the man was quite busy now, as a new father. It was a bit of a shame; the crew had planned a comfortable celebration that evening over drinks, but the lawman was otherwise occupied. He’d have to catch up with them another time.

Tenma nursed his beer slowly, watching with mild awe as Lunge downed nearly the whole of his drink all at once. When he set his glass down once more, it was with the same, usual deadpan expression he bore most of the time. In the past, Tenma had found it intimidating; now, though, it was something he accepted as simply being an aspect of the man’s more reserved nature. He was not here to please anyone with a smile, merely to enjoy himself in quiet peace. He looked altogether _comfortable,_ relaxed, though neither were words that Tenma ever thought he would associate with someone like Lunge.

Grimmer, of the three, seemed the most at ease; he observed the few patrons around them, tapping a finger idly against his as of yet untouched glass and humming idly to some tune only he seemed to know. For a short time it was quiet, until the blonde finally spoke, breaking the easygoing silence.

“You’re looking much better, Inspector. After what happened…”

Narrowed eyes flicked up toward Grimmer, then back down. Lunge nodded, finishing off his drink with a single gulp, raising a hand to request another.

“I could say the same for you. Even Doctor Tenma’s diagnosis had been grim. It was a miracle you survived until we reached the hospital.”

Grimmer seemed entirely unfazed, squinting a bright smile in the inspector’s direction. He hummed softly, finally taking a sip of his drink. 

“It’s a very good thing I had someone especially skilled to watch over me, then. I expect if I hadn’t, I might not be here right now!” 

He turned a smile toward Tenma then, a lighter one with a softer look to it. He didn’t speak, but there was a feeling about that look that seemed grateful and endeared. As much as Grimmer insisted that his emotions remained distant, he certainly had an incredible depth of feeling in his eyes. Or perhaps he really was just that well trained to pretend so thoroughly.

Tenma’s gaze lowered, a small smile of his own flitting across his lips as he held his glass.

“I was doing my job. The best that I could do. I’m glad that the two of you...that you can be here right now. There’s still so much that I haven’t been able to share.”

Grimmer raised his glass, glancing between the two men.

“I’m definitely looking forward to that, then...I imagine that each of us has quite a lot we’d like to say. I'd like that, I think.”

There was a clink of glasses to an unspoken and unspecified toast; whether it was to their good health, to a better future, or perhaps to something else...none of them knew. Perhaps it was all of those things at once; they were all simply glad to enjoy one another’s company in quiet for once, no longer hastened by the danger that loomed overhead. 

They allowed the moment to bleed into silence, perfectly comfortable in each other’s presence even without a dialogue. There was more to be said, that was certain; but not all at once, not now. Though, Tenma could tell from watching them that at least Lunge had something on his mind. It was the intensity of his gaze, staring out into the distance as he downed his second drink much as he had the first. He seemed entirely unaffected; Tenma wouldn’t be at all surprised if Lunge could drink the both of them under the table with ease. Not that he intended to find out.

All eyes went to the overhead TV. Usually the bar played sports and the like, so it was unusual to see news coverage; but then, this was a particularly hot topic that cut into most programming. Tenma looked down and away as his face appeared next to the news anchor. Though none could hear what the woman was saying over the music, enough could be assumed from how the early afternoon had been spent. There was a man on location at Ruehenheim, too, causing even Grimmer and Lunge’s expressions to sour just a little. 

It was old news to them, but even so, those were memories that wouldn’t leave any of them any time soon. At least from the look of the situation now, Ruehenheim was on the road to recovery.

Two more images flashed onto the screen - Johan, who was still comatose even now, and the image of another man - the individual that had organized the hell within Ruehenheim. That man…

Tenma swallowed thickly, gripping his glass just a little tighter. Even seeing his face brought a swell of something anxious, something uncomfortable. It squeezed at his heart, just thinking about what that man had done, had tried to do, and what….he himself had done to that man.

Even in that anxious state, Tenma could feel eyes on him. Grimmer’s - worried, no doubt, by his sudden behaviour. Tenma closed his eyes, taking a slow, deep breath. It was all in the past now, all over. The sooner he could let go...

“He said something strange to me, that day.”

Both Tenma and Grimmer glanced up at the unexpectedly pensive baritone of Lunge. Neither said a word, but implored that he continue all the same. Lunge took a moment, staring at that screen, at that picture.

“He had no memory, no name. Johan was able to awaken a piece of his past...something that gave him meaning. A certain memory from his childhood...his love of cocoa. One would expect such an emotion to inspire growth into a healthier individual, but under the thumb of Johan Liebert, that man became twisted further than he already was. He wanted to know Johan's world. But in the end, even Johan abandoned him.”

It left a certain chill in the atmosphere, to think about that. To imagine that this person had nothing...that _Johan_, of all people, had given him a sense of self. Only for that person to toss him away, in the end. Even Grimmer looked disturbed, an uncharacteristic - but perhaps _honest_ \- morose expression marring his usual smile. Lunge glanced between the two men, seemingly aware that he had perhaps spoken too soon on the matter.

“I suppose now is not the time for that discussion.”

Tenma took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He looked back up to Lunge and shook his head.

“It’s something we’ll have to address eventually. I don’t imagine it’ll be easier then, either.”

Lunge nodded, accepting what seemed to be a waive of his apology. He took a glance at his watch, then looked between the two men once more.

“I think I may have to take my leave. I promised to call my daughter at a reasonable hour tonight. But we should enjoy drinks together in the future. The Saturday following the next, perhaps.”

Grimmer's uncertain silence continued, prompting Tenma to answer with a nod of affirmation.

“We should probably be getting back ourselves. I know it’s going to be busy tomorrow morning, so I’d like to try to get a decent sleep…”

He smiled, reaching out to shake Lunge’s hand as they parted ways.

“We’ll do this again. When it’s quieter for us all.”

* * *

The route home was quieter than usual. Ordinarily Tenma might have attributed it to a couple drinks, but neither he nor Grimmer had drunk enough for exhaustion to stifle them. Grimmer had barely finished his one and only drink, and was certainly the more alert of the two. Normally he would be the one to pepper their trip to the apartment with conversation, but not tonight. It was hard to tell in the dark, but there was a certain atmosphere about Grimmer, something that hadn’t left since the bar. 

It felt a little wary, foreboding. Something on his mind that he hadn’t opted yet to share. Tenma left it alone, well enough aware that if Grimmer wanted to talk about it, he’d bring it up himself. He did, at the very least, seem to catch Tenma’s curious eye, turning a warm look upon him - an assurance that he was fine. Tenma recognized it as a false look, the practiced one he put in place when he was unsure of how he should respond.

Tenma fumbled with the key, jostling it a little as he fought with the door. It hadn’t been opening so easily of late, but neither he nor Grimmer had much time to have it looked at. Finally, though, he was able to push the door open, holding it for Grimmer. The taller man ducked through with a quiet thanks, both depositing their coats on the hanging rack.

It was only now, in the comfort of their home, that Grimmer’s facade began to drop. He let himself open up a little more, that false smile fading into a pensive frown. He headed into the living room, sitting on the couch with that same, thoughtful morose look about him. If he was going to talk about it, now was probably the time.

Tenma took a moment to pour the both of them a glass of water - something to take the edge off, not that either had drunk much. It was accepted all the same, and Tenma sat himself down next to the taller man. When the silence continued, Tenma reached over and touched the man’s arm - tentative, feathery, but enough to catch his attention.

Grimmer released a little tension from his shoulders, sitting forward, his drink held gingerly in both hands. His eyes closed and he took a deep breath.

“My friend…”

Grimmer’s voice was hesitant. Tenma drew lines with his thumb in a small gesture of encouragement, earning a sidelong glance from his partner. Grimmer looked tired, even more so than before.

“You were there, when I...remembered. Adolf Reinhart...the friend that I had in Kinderheim. He liked bugs...liked to draw them. But he never killed them. And he also liked…”

His grip on that glass tensed, head bowing forward.

“He also liked...the hot cocoa. Every week...that hot cocoa was his favourite. I know that it’s not much...but what Lunge said…”

Grimmer drew in a slow breath, letting it out in a half-laugh, a bitter sound. A sound that was trying to be something it wasn’t.

“I think that person...could have been my friend. And that’s something I don’t know…” he trailed off, staring down into the glass between his hands, as though searching for answers in its depths. Finding nothing, he deflated, simply repeating himself with a shake of his head. “I don’t know. What I should be thinking, or feeling right now. It’s a lot.”

Tenma...hadn’t heard that last part. Grimmer was speaking, but the words blended together, fuzzy, distant. He remembered the smell of smoke and blood, the heat, the sweat, screaming all around. He remembered the man that stood over him, smirking, lording his superiority over the doctor, mocking his inability to act, his shaking hands. 

_That_ person…

Two….one shot, and then another. He’d been slow. He’d been wary. His hands shook so much that he’d shot the man in the shoulder, not nearly where he was aiming. How he fell...and how Tenma’s hands stopped….stopped shaking then.

And that person was...could be Grimmer’s….

A sudden exclamation - his name, maybe, or a word, he couldn’t quite hear it properly - was what brought Tenma back to reality, just in time to realize that the glass he’d been loosely holding in one hand had slipped, spilling its contents onto the floor in front of him while the glass itself rolled to the side, seemingly in one piece. Tenma blinked down, heaving a sigh and rubbing his temples.

“I’m…sorry. I don’t know how that happened. I was just…”

He was just…what? Distracted, by the realization that the person he shot in the library was probably…

“No, that doesn’t matter. Are you all right…?”

It took Tenma a moment to realize that Grimmer was...asking _him_ that question, though there were only the two of them present. He was just a little more distracted than he’d thought, apparently. Tenma looked over at his partner. In that moment he’d completely dropped his own concerns, completely focused on Tenma right now. It was almost too much.

The doctor looked down, glancing to the floor, where the water was probably going to soak into the wooden boards if they didn’t put something down to mop it up.

He opened his mouth to answer _yes,_ to reassure Grimmer that he was fine, that the one who deserved concern and worry was _him_. He stopped, though, before even a word came out, clamping his jaw shut.

He had wanted Grimmer to open up about this. If he was going to do that...then it was only fair to be truthful with Grimmer, too. If anyone deserved to hear it...that was Grimmer.

He pulled away from his partner, not quite sure that he deserved any kind of comfort right now. His eyes were fixed on the water staining the floor, eyes blinking slowly as his hands clenched together in his lap.

“That man….the man we saw in Ruehenheim...is the same man who….”

That heaviness was back. Weighing down, burdensome on his shoulders, the feeling of watchful eyes even heavier. Fingers curled inward and hair fell in front of his face like a curtain.

“The library. Before. He’s the man that I shot...before I met you in Prague.”

The room was silent, then. Silent, as both men took to processing the atmosphere. Grimmer was no doubt turning those words in his head now. Tenma didn’t look at him, wasn’t sure if he should. He knew Grimmer wouldn’t be upset at him. That wasn’t what this was about; but the truth was that Tenma...had shot the only person who had ever been…the only kind memory in Grimmer’s childhood. Even if he hadn’t killed the man, the idea that Tenma...that he had damaged something precious to Grimmer’s youth...that was wounding. It ached in its futility; to have ever pulled the trigger on a human being with the intent to kill was harrowing, but now to know _who_ that person was…

Tenma made to stand, glancing toward the kitchen. Paper towel was under the sink. If he got up now, he might be able to get rid of most of the spillage before it damaged the wood too badly. It gave him something to do, in the midst of feeling like he was going to be sick. He could feel Grimmer watching him, even as he retreated into the other room, returning with the towel roll. He lay a few squares down, watching as the water absorbed into thin white material.

He still didn’t look up, not quite sure…what else to say. He’d left them at an awkward point, and didn’t know how to recover.

It was Grimmer who acted first, taking the paper towel gently from his grip, lacing his fingers through with Tenma’s in that moment. Tenma hadn’t even noticed when Grimmer stood from the couch, when he’d crouched beside him to help. But that gesture helped...however small it was, it drew Tenma’s focus, his gaze finally raising to meet those powerful blue eyes.

“You’re in a lot of pain right now, aren’t you?”

Tenma swallowed, though he didn’t speak. He nodded, and that was enough. Grimmer gave his hand a gentle squeeze. Gentle, but firm.

“I am too. It definitely hurts. It’s a lot to process….what Adolf did in Ruehenheim...and even before then. And knowing that those nightmares that you have are caused because of what my friend did to you…”

With his free hand, Grimmer reached out and combed fingers through Tenma’s hair, coming to rest at the back of his neck. The look in his eyes was painful, as much so as the feeling that constricted in Tenma’s chest. 

That hand fell away again, slowly. And Grimmer….he looked just a little bit lost.

“That boy from my memories...grew up to be someone else. A person that I don’t recognize. That friend...hurt a lot of people. He did horrible things."

There was a pause, Grimmer's expression growing heavy, his voice quiet.

"I wonder if it could have been different, if I had been there for him. If I found him, before then. There are so many things I could have told him.”

It was a sobering thought. Tenma...Tenma knew it well enough; how Johan had shaped him, his very career, in the early days. That boy had become something terrifying, not unlike Grimmer’s childhood friend. It was a foreboding feeling that he knew well enough.

Tenma scooted forward, leaning in so he could put an arm around Grimmer. A reassurance, for what little it was worth. Grimmer accepted the gesture with only mild reluctance, hesitant at first before he relaxed, closing his eyes. It was quiet again, for just a moment. Quiet, until…

“I wonder...if that person could have been me.”

Tenma felt a cautious chill that radiated through him, crawling through his spine at the utterance of those quietly worried words. Tenma couldn’t imagine it, but for Grimmer...for Grimmer, it was a very real possibility; he had lived the very same life as that man. To be no one, to have his childhood taken, his self...encountering someone like Johan...would he have fared any differently?

Tenma nestled nearer, using his body as a shield against those intrusive thoughts. He brought a hand to Grimmer’s cheek, drawing gentle lines with his thumb, slow and soothing. Grimmer tilted into the gesture, at least taking some apparent comfort in that.

“When I saved that little boy…Johan...when I saved his life...it changed how I looked at things. The way I was living, operating in the hospital...that moment shaped a lot of what I believed. I wanted to believe in him, that I had done something good in the world. So when that boy came back to me...when I saw what he’d done…”

Tenma closed his eyes, taking a slow breath against Grimmer, aware of the other’s alertness, patiently waiting for him to finish.

“A part of my foundation crumbled, just like that. I couldn’t imagine that boy becoming what was in front of me. And I think it’s probably...the same for your friend. He was a good boy.”

Grimmer breathed slowly, nodding. Tenma could hear a faint tremble in his breath, a powerful emotion eating at the taller man’s heart.

“I don’t remember much from that time. But I know that he was a good person. What happened to him, in that place...”

Grimmer trailed off. There really wasn’t anything more he needed to say. Tenma felt that tight clench in his chest again, and nestled in against Grimmer just a little closer. The past was something that Tenma could never protect him from...as much as he wished, what had happened was long gone. To Grimmer…to his friend...to Johan...to any of the children in Kinderheim.

“I don’t quite know what this feeling is. As though I should have known, could have helped. But to think that my friend...that he tried to kill you, and Lunge...the horrible things that he did…”

He shook his head, clearly trying to process the rest of what was in his head. For someone like Grimmer...this sort of situation was probably harder than most. That person had been his friend...and he still had the warmth of those memories, but to learn what he had become...and worse, to know that it _wasn’t_ his fault, that he was a product of a twisted place like Kinderheim...it was a complex situation that he couldn’t possibly be prepared for.

But that...that was why Tenma was here. What he could do, for Grimmer.

“It’s all right. You’ll probably feel a lot of things that don’t make much sense. I don’t think it’s wrong to have all of those feelings, even when they contradict each other...you’re allowed to miss him, to wish you could have helped him. It’s probably going to be painful for a while. But you don’t…”

Tenma gave his shoulder a light squeeze, eyes closing.

“You don’t have to feel those things alone. Because you’re _not_ alone. And you’ll always have that memory...the memories of him. You don’t have to let go of those times. You don't have to let go of the part of him that was good.”

He really didn’t know if what he was saying made sense, or if it was reaching Grimmer. He seemed relaxed, so maybe he understood. If Tenma could at least help him here...help him to get through this….

“Thank you, doctor.”

The words were spoken softly, a little tiredly. Tenma blinked up, watching as Grimmer slowly got to his feet, collecting up the soaked paper towel and bringing it to toss in the bin. He stood in the hallway, lingering, waiting for Tenma to follow. On his face, there was an attempted smile.

“You’re trying to help me, and that means a lot. This sort of thing is still a lot to handle on my own...so I’m really glad.”

Tenma couldn’t help but smile back, standing slowly and half-stumbling on sleepy feet as he made his way towards the stairs. He reached a hand out, catching Grimmer’s fingertips with his own, leading him along with only the slightest of holds as they climbed the stairs, making their way to turn in for the night, where they might find just a little more comfort, their minds at rest.

It was going to be hard. This sort of thing was painful, and Tenma knew that well enough.

But Grimmer...he wasn’t fighting alone. He wasn’t facing his demons alone.

It was going to be okay. Not right now...he was going to hurt for a while, but tomorrow...the tomorrow after that…further and further into the future…

There would be good days again.

**Author's Note:**

> Tfw your friend turns out to be. Roberto. Yike. But he'll get better maybe. Cheeseball hopeful ending because that's just how I am!
> 
> I have to thank that anon on tumblr for their ask because that's what got me to finally write this! Hope you enjoy it, you totally inspired part of it too.


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